A few weeks ago I had a couple anxiety attacks.  We had discovered a pretty extensive infestation of carpet beetle larvae around the house, including in the pantry, and literally the next day we found the kids had lice.  I had a lot of trouble coping with all this.  Twice it got so bad I was hyperventilating, my heart was pounding, I was dizzy and feeling dissociated.  Luckily my husband is made of awesome, and he took over the cleanup, with help from his amazing mother.  And my epically wonderful friend Ginger came over and nit-combed my hair, then carefully vacuumed each individual molecule in the kids’ playroom.

Meanwhile, I went to the doctor for some freaking Xanax.  Or something.  My blood pressure was 155/90, noticeably higher than my usual less-than-120/80 zone, so I knew I was really having a serious physical reaction, not just overdramatizing.  I wanted a medicine to force my fight-or-flight reaction to calm down, as I felt like I was in a feedback loop of worry–>adrenaline–>panicked feeling validating worry–>more adrenaline.

My regular HCP wasn’t in, so I saw someone else.  She didn’t want to give me a benzo drug, because of all the potential problems with them, and I can understand that line of reasoning to an extent.

But then she told me what I really need to do for my anxiety and panic attacks is switch to a vegan diet.

And she didn’t just mention it in passing.  She got pretty damn vegangelical on me.  She seemed to think that being fat is a key part of my mental illness, and getting fit would make me better. And veganism is the way to get fit. Even though my response to the first attempt was to scowl disbelievingly and say, “No,” she didn’t let my unmistakeable body language and monosyllabic retorts stop her – she pushed it several more times, trying to cajole me into trying it. She was very sure that during this stressful period when I was having trouble coping with life, what I really needed was a complete diet overhaul to a new, highly restricted way of eating.

So you know what, I guess I’m convinced.  Here is my new vegan diet plan, which will make me thin and solve all my health problems!

Breakfast:

Cocoa Puffs with full-fat coconut milk
Apple Cinnamon Pop Tarts
Ghirardelli Hot Chocolate

Snack:
Little Debbie cake donut
Starbucks Venti Toffee Nut Soy Latte

Lunch:
“Chicken” nuggets
Biscuits (made with Crisco)
Corn chips with guacamole
Kool-Aid

Snack:
Barbecue Fritos
Hansen’s Cola

Dinner:
Veggie burger on potato roll
French fries with mayo dip
Canned creamed corn
Bulleit bourbon and water
Marie Callender cherry pie

I can NOT wait for the health returns to start rolling in with this!  Soon I’ll be slim and fit, as well as mentally healthy.  I bet I won’t even need to go to the gym or therapy anymore!  Who knew perfect health could be this easy and appealing?

Seriously, my normal PA prescribed a beta blocker to tamp down the adrenaline, and that allowed me to use my cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to much better advantage.  I feel normal again.  And I’m making braised beef shanks for dinner.

Oh, and more thanks to Ginger for being so funny about this whole topic and alerting me that Pop Tarts are vegan, thus giving me the idea for this post.